It has been a while since I published an entry here. As readers of this blog hopefully understand by now, Kicks & Keychains is meant to be a personal exercise and typically favors longform writing.
I purposely never dedicated myself to publish anything here regularly — I wanted to avoid this blog morphing into an obligation. But I also did not think I would go nearly six months without penning something.
Lately, I have struggled to find time to write. Lots happening away from my keyboard — a month full of traveling, a family wedding, a busy few weeks at work, etc.
In general though, I realize these are excuses. Everyone is given 24 hours in a day — the only difference in lives is what people choose to do with those hours. For me, writing has been something eating away at me internally. It’s been an itch I have wanted to scratch, desperately in recent weeks. More than that, I have sought to do something with substance.
I have plenty of areas in my life where I can achieve some purpose. My relationship is a major one — everything I do with and for my partner feels extremely rewarding. Unfortunately we are also long distance, so those powerful moments are also fleeting. Both of us have a hard time savoring the moment when there always feels like a belt around our waists and tugging us apart from one another.
Another area where I find some sense of accomplishment is in my work. It’s surprising to say that because I work in sales — a career I thought I would be allergic to on a moral basis. Sales definitely requires thick skin and the obsession with numbers can drive me nuts at times. But at its best, the sales industry can open your eyes to the whole nature of human communication and naturally teaches you how to navigate it. In other words, I have learned I do not have to be an abrasive dick of a salesman to earn a customer’s interest, trust and eventually their business. I can come from an area of expertise and education instead.
However work has downsides, and sales is starting to eat away at me. The environment is changing, the big picture is becoming harder to buy into, and I have been bumping up against a ceiling repeatedly in my current position. There are hopes I can move to a more exciting role, but it is one that currently does not exist — that’s a problem and my patience is being tested.
All in all, I should be satisfied with my life but the challenges I am facing are starting to really weigh me down. Entering 2019, it felt like a year of big changes forthcoming.
I still subscribe to that mentality, but my challenge has been waiting for these changes to happen on their own instead of taking steps of my own.
Almost a week prior to today, I went to a weekly workout class. It was the first time I had gone since mid-January, about three full months. I was dreading it all day and didn’t commit to going until I say out loud to someone my plan to attend. That was the push I needed in order to go.
This probably just sounds like a routine moment for anyone who struggles with routine exercise like I do. Trust me, I am not special or different from anyone so I agree with that sentiment. But I want to list out the reasons and doubts I had floating in my head prior to that class:
- Does not fully align with my current goals (it’s a full-body workout whereas I want to focus on weight loss)
- Do not have any real friends there (full of older people I have a hard time socializing with)
- The class is soon after work (I take public transport, so at times the commute after a full day in the office can be physically exhausting)
- I attended this fitness class regularly for 3-4 months and saw little improvement in my physical ability and health
- Do not have fitness clothes that fit well anymore after putting on some weight (feel self-conscious while wearing these during workouts)
- And plenty more things on my mind
So mentally, I had to overcome a lot of these pesky detractors just to change into workout clothes and attend the class. Once I walked into the studio, those things just drifted away. It’s incredible how taking action can overpower the dense fogs of fear.
The fitness class is twice a week and typically about 45-minutes long. Unfortunately about 35 minutes into the class, I had a seizure.
I am writing this post on Sunday evening, and I typically try to attend the Monday evening fitness class. Suddenly those list of reasons are back in the forefront of my brain, and now I get to tack on another to the list — Had a seizure last time during class, physical stress might trigger another one.
But as I am writing this, I am realizing I cannot remain a prisoner to thoughts. The shackles of wishful thinking have weighed me down for far too long. I am going to workout tomorrow, regardless of these lingering doubts and fears.
And I am getting ready to just say ‘fuck it’ and take action on a lot of things in my life stuck in neutral. The mission? Purposeful actions. Wish me luck.